Not Supposed to Happen
by piove
Summary: When we make a decision, how do we know if we made the right one? SSxHP Oneshot SLASH! So..for pete's sake, don't read it if you don't like it.


Disclaimer: The usual, none of these characters are mine, they're all J.K. Rowling's. It's a one-shot! Unless people don't want it to be.. Dedicated to my friend forfun2244. Thanks for helping me out with this, and the situation this story was based on. You're the best.

"Not supposed to Happen"

**Severus' POV**

We agreed from the beginning that we'd be friends. Even if things didn't turn out the way we both wanted, we would both fall back on the friendship we had. That was our consensus. I told him not to worry. I reassured Harry that the age difference wouldn't matter. I guess I was wrong. He kept pouring his heart to me, and I - ..I just kept to myself. So maybe it was my fault.

_Flashback_

"Hey Severus, how'd your day go with the 'dunderheads'?" Harry asked, with a smile on his face while taking of his cloak.

Severus just continued to stare into the fire. Harry looked over at Severus' face and dread filled the pit of his stomach. He walked over to him and touched his shoulder. When Severus didn't turn to him or even acknowledge him, Harry felt his heart skip a beat.

"Is everything alright?" Harry asked quietly.

Severus took a breath and seemed as if he was going to answer, but then just continued to look forward. Even though Harry wanted so badly to know what was going through his love's head, he knew better than to push. So he stood there patiently waiting.

After a long amount of time passed, Severus finally opened his mouth to speak.

"I've been thinking." Severus started.

Right then, Harry felt ice go through his veins. He could hear his heart pounding and was aware of the fact that it was hard for him to breathe. Harry couldn't hear some of the things Severus said in between, but all he needed to hear was the next few words.

"-you need to leave."

Harry felt his heart stop. He knew those cliché stories about love and how it hurt. He always thought it was a bit exaggerated, but until now, he actually felt like Severus stepped on his heart.

He couldn't breathe. Harry fell to his knees and bent over so his hands were on the floor as well. He tried to calm his breathing, but nothing would help. No one told him that when they say that your heart hurts, it actually does. It hurt so much. He didn't even notice that hot tears came pouring out, wave after wave. Harry couldn't comprehend the meaning of life without Severus in it. Why? What went wrong? All these questions just made his grief more unbearable. He was gasping for air, anyone could've felt the pain radiating from his body.

When Harry gained some of his composure, he drew the courage to look up at Severus, who was still staring at the fire.

"Why?" Harry asked so weakly that it almost made Severus regret his decision.

"This age difference just isn't working." Severus answered in a monotone voice.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT ISN'T WORKING?"

There, Harry's pain finally became anger. Hurt, betrayal, all the lies, everything started to consume Harry's being and the anger tried to suppress all of it.

Severus looked at him with cold eyes.

"I mean that so many others out in the world are judging me because I'm with you. How do you think that makes me feel? To feel like a dirty pervert isn't exactly what I had in mind, Potter." Severus hissed.

Harry's anger diminished slightly and he looked every bit helpless as he felt. Why wasn't he enough? Why did this matter more to Severus..than what they had?

"Why is this coming up now?" Harry asked with dull eyes.

"I'm only voicing it now, but it's been haunting me from the day we started our relationship. I thought I could handle it, but I guess I was wrong." Severus answered quietly. He still loved Harry, but he just couldn't stand all the words being tossed around in public. He had enough of that without the help of Harry.

To him, that was a slap in the face. Severus felt this the entire time he was with him? What else was Severus keeping from him? Harry swallowed. He took a deep breath trying to even out his breathing. It finally worked. The tears stopped, his heart still breaking, and Harry felt so alone. But he never broke his promises; he told Severus long ago that if he ever wanted this to stop, he would let him go. So here it was. He closed his eyes and stood.

"Good-bye Severus." Harry said while heading toward the door.

"Harry, I won't go back on what I said. This isn't going to end our friendship." Severus said while getting off of the chair.

"I know." Harry said quietly, and he shut the door.

_End Flashback_

**Severus' POV**

So it didn't. We still continued to speak, although Harry started to become more bitter and sharp in his words. I became worried that I had underestimated how much our relationship had meant to him. However, one day he actually gave me a cheerful hello. Had someone else put that smile on his face? I felt a new emotion, but I couldn't quite figure out what it was. When I inquired about it, he gave me a smile that I had only ever seen whenever I had told him I loved him…back then. Harry answered me that he met someone new and that their relationship was promising. Promising? What the bloody hell was THAT supposed to mean?

Day after day, he became more cheerful and started to turn back the Harry I lo- had fallen in love with. When Harry told me that he finally allowed this man to kiss him, I felt like a knife went through my heart. Another man was given permission to kiss Harry. That shouldn't have happened.

Jealousy. That's what the new emotion was. Every time Harry tells me of his dates, or of his feelings when he's in the company of his new lo- lover, I manage to lose control of my magic. This isn't supposed to be happening.

I find myself wanting Harry back. I yearn to be the only one able to touch Harry, to be the only one graced with his smile, to be the one to put that smile there. I'm supposed to want this separation. I'm supposed to be happy for him. But I can't help it when I say that I still love him and it's killing me. I'm always haunted with the fact that it was I who had broken his heart; I went back on my promises and didn't give him forever. And now I'm regretting it. Funny how now when I think of it I could care less what people say. It doesn't matter so long as I am able to be with him.

I let him go. That was not supposed to happen.


End file.
